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Humor and More -- Page 2


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer".

More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

You May Be The Perfect Dog Owner If You...

1. Believe caring for a pet for 15 years does not seem like a lifetime
2 Look forward to big, wet kisses when you come home each day
3. Like sharing your house with someone who sheds, tracks dirt occasionally, and possibly drools
4. Don't mind sharing your house with someone who will never clean up after themselves
5. Want to take care of someone every day
6. Love a playmate who likes to chase balls and drag off shoes
7. Don't mind a playmate who likes to slobber on balls and shoes
8. Would like to spend your extra money on pet food, toys, veterinary care, chew bones, and more chew bones
9. Want someone to adore you even on a bad hair day
10 .Believe that spaying and neutering pets will help solve the pet overpopulation problem
11. Can't imagine leaving your devoted pet behind when you move
12. Want to keep an ID tag on your pets, so they can get back to you no matter what
13 Enjoy unconditional love and constant companionship

You May Be The Perfect Cat Owner If You...

1. Believe caring for a pet for 15 years does not seem like a lifetime
2. Look forward to having your ankles rubbed dry by an affectionate, hairy animal
3. Don't mind sharing your house with someone who sheds, tracks kitty litter, and throws up hairballs
4. Don't mind sharing your house with someone who will never clean up after themselves
5. Loves a housemate who will randomly and regularly entertain you with outrageous and silly antics (at their whim, not yours)
6. Want to take care of someone every day
7. Like your lap warmed whenever you sit down
8. Would like to spend your extra money on pet food, toys, veterinary care, kitty litter; and more kitty litter
9. Want to be welcomed with a soft purr of appreciation
10. Believe that spaying and neutering pets will help solve the pet overpopulation problem
11. Can't imagine leaving your devoted pet behind when you move
12. Want to keep an ID tag on your pets, so they can get back to you no matter what
13. Enjoy unconditional love and constant companionship
14. Believe that keeping your cat indoors is for your pet's well being

If you think you've got what it takes, visit your local animal shelter to find the perfect pet!
Copyright AHA




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